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Sukhiskhit, madhyam-vargeeya marathi gharat he ghadoo shakate. Do you know of anybody around you who is going through this? May be it is hard for you to label it as "domestic violence", but do you have a sister, a friend, a co-worker who is getting beaten up by her husband? Or are you one of those who do not want to hit your wife, but she just gets you so mad that you have to teach her a lesson and show her her place? I have been a recipient of domestic violence and I felt trapped, completely unable to get my husband to stop hitting me. I thought I had no choice. But I have been able to get out of this. I welcome your comments and questions.
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Aakanksha : BRAVO! to you. even without knowing you, I feel proud of you that you took the step that gave you freedom from abuse. Where are you now?
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I would like to keep my whereabouts confidential, in the interest of my safety and my children's safety. I hope you understand. Thanks for your encouraging words. Keep posting..
Some useful links:
support network for battered women
support for south asian women
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Aakanksha :
Pratham tu dakhavilelya dhairya baddal tuze
manapasun abhinandan.
Visited the sites you have mentioned. Ashya
prakarchya organizations baddal mala nehmicha
kutuhal ani koutuk ahe. Tuza jar kahi ashya
organizations baddal anubhav asala, Can you please share it with us.( shakya asel tarach)
Khar tar mazya manat barecha prashna yetahet, pan
sadhya itakacha!
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Mi jevha tya paristhitit hote, tevha apan "abused" ahot he suddha majhya lakshat ale navhate. Yache karan mhanje, battering is "learned behavior", which means the batterer learns this behavior when this person is growing up. Which means either he (forgive me using "he", however 90% of cases, the batterer is a male) has seen his father abuse his mother or he has been abused himself as a child. So gharat je moThe lok hote, e.g. sasoo-sasre, tyanna pun hyat kahi gair vaTenAse hote. So I was constantly trying to fix things that I did wrong, never ever questioning or challenging the correctness of my husband's behavior. Over period of time, the abuse gets worse. I have experienced it. I know what began as a shivya-gali and occasional slap, eventually got to the point that I had fractured bones. Without the help of these and such organizations, I never thought I could do anything about it.
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More links and useful information:
http://www.ndvh.org/
http://www.domesticviolence.org/
http://www.nashville.net/~police/abuse/index.html
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If you are being hit, slapped, punched, kicked..you are abused. You may be thinking "He does this in a rage, he is not that kind of a person", "But he loves me". Remember, people who love you dont hit you and people who hit you, dont love you. It is not OK.
If this is happening to you, please tell a close friend about it. Dont keep this dirty secret. It does not help him get better. It only makes things worse, because, if he slapped you this time, he will punch you next..
Listen to your gut feeling. It is most important that you stay safe.
When things start getting bad and he finds fault with everything you do, you cooked the wrong dinner, you wore the wrong dress.. BE AWARE.. that is the time to plan for your safety. Think about what you can do in order to stay safe, can you call the police? May be a code-word with your best friend? May be visit a friend or relative for a few days till things get better. These are temporary safety measures.
Without professional counseling usually things get worse. So once again, be careful, be safe.
You were not brought up to be abused, your children do not deserve to see their mother being hurt.
In the US, you can call 24 hrs a day, 1-800-799-SAFE, the national domestic violence hotline..
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ankanksha...
dont know what to say...but good u have started something that has some gravity...
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Hi Akanksha ,
I have been hesitating to add my comments to this folder but decided to do it today.
I am one of the "marathi, susaunskrut gharatil " professionally qualified women who have gone thru similar experiences. I did not end up with broken bones but did end up with a broken soul after 10 years of abuse. I dont wish to write any gory details here but would like to add a couple of my experiences regarding trying to find my own happiness and peace of mind .
One of the reasons that I waited that long ( something I regret to this day ) is because of social pressure... "Loka kay mhantil... Amhi lokanna kay sangaycha ... itka sahan kelas tar ajoon thoda sahan kar " and because of believing that I deserved the abuse.
It was excrutiating to present a public picture of wellbeing and happiness and hide scars under clothes at the same time.
Looking back I realise that after the initial one year of emotional turmoil and nonstop questioning by complete strangers I have finally begun to get my life back on track.
It is not easy as a lot of people make it out to be, but it has been worth it. I know for sure now that I deserve everybit of happiness, peace of mind and dignity that life and God can offer me and I know I will get it.. but am fully aware that it is going to take time.
My friends and family support me fully and those who dont have no place in my life anymore . I did meet people who tried to take advantage of my status but that has made me more tough to face this world. In this whole process I have discovered hidden strengths within me which I never knew existed.
My very best wishes to you and your children and hope everything works out very well .
Radhika
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Hi Aakanksha,
Tu je kahi lihiles tyamule asha prakarchya sarvach prashnana vacha phutel. Tu actual violence baddal lihile aahes. Pan manasik chhalachehi asankhya prakar 'Madhyamvargiy, susanskrit gharamadhun sarras chalu astat, tyabaddalahi dhairyane bolale pahije. Karan Radhika mhanate tase aanandi aayushya jagane ha sarvancha hakka aahe. Tyachya aad yenarya pratyek goshticha samana kela pahije. Jasa tu kelas, Radhikane kela.
Eka serious vishayala suruwat kelyabaddal dhanyawad.
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Radhika:
Tu lihiles te vachoon majhaach bhootkal mi vachate ki kay ase vatale. Mi pun gharatli gosht gharat rahavi mhanoon konala kahi sangitle nahi. Gharatlya mothya mansancha salla, madat magitli. Sasoo-sasre ityadinni sahan kar, tyala raag yevoo devoo nakos, tyachyat changle goon kiti ahet, tyakade bagh, pratyekat kahi changle tar kahi vaeet goon asatat vagaire salla dila. Tyamule mi tyache changle goon baghat rahile and to tyache vaeet vagne vagat rahila. Lok kay mhanteel hi bhiti faar vatat hoti.
Lokan samor sarva kahi "theek-thak" ahe he dakhavne faar kleshkarak vatayche. Tarihi he natak belmaloom pane vathvat rahile. Vatayche ki he lagna modoo naye, pun ha chhal thambava asa kahi upaay ahe ka? Pun mala tari ekch upaay sapadla, vegle hone, mulanna changlya moklya vatavarnaat vadhavne, jyamule aaj majhya sasoo va Aaila je baghave lagte ahe te majhya 60vya varshi majhya nashibi nasave. Tya niragas mulanna ayushya sunder ahe ha anubhav milava. Aai-vadeel doghe asavet he kharech, pun ashya paristhitit te lagoo nahi ase vatte.
Mi je karate ahe te kiti katheen ahe he je hyatoon gele ahet tyanna mahit ahech. I am doing it with a passion to provide a better life for the children and re-claiming my life. And I am still struggling to be free, but I have confidence in me.
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Quote:Mental and emotional abuse
This is in many ways even worse because the person who is dealing with this has even more reason for "lok kay mhanteel" because there are no physical signs. To a great extent, even the person who is suffering can get locked in the guilt trap "But he does not hit me". However the constant tension that she is in that he can hit her anytime is worse. We set up the marriage structure in such a way that it is the sole responsibility of the woman to be "peace keeper" and one who keeps the family together. Marriage which is symbolic of sahajeevan, spouse being called an ardhangini, is not interpreted as such. Instead it is viewed as a license to use words and/or force to control the spouse. What I hope to see someday is for the society around me to not simply look the other way "navra-bayako che bhandan ahe, apan kase madhe padayche?". This is very much everyone's business because each one of us has a right to live free of fear, deserve to have our asmita and a right to be happy.
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Akanksha ,
I am glad you know that you did the right thing and that you dont have any more guilty feelings about anything. The worst part is taking a life
altering decision and then having second thoughts ( especially with children involved .. no matter what their age is. ) .
During this whole process ,I have come across some of my own family ( and inlaw's ) who have reacted with indifference mixed with hostility.
The only thing a person can do is to be strong and to believe in themselves. There is a God and he knows the truth. Thankfully I never
lost faith in him.
I would also like to point out something that might make probably a big difference to somebody.. and is based on my experience only ...
Please pay close attention to any negative information you get about a prospective spouse for yourself or your children, even if it is in casual conversation.
If you hear something which triggers a red flag Please follow up on it till you are satisfied with the answers.
Because if there is any truth to these allegations, there is a good chance that you will find youself in a situation that can go out of control fairly quickly . Ha fakta maza anubhav ahe. I was amazed at how many people in bad relationships saw the flags but ignored them. I thought I was the only one and always felt stupid about it.
Today I am doing well and donot depend on my parents anymore for financial or emotional advice. I think life has taught me enough lessons to learn and mature from.
I hope you and the children are doing well and please know that one day your kids will thank you for trying to be the best mother possible to
them under horrible circumstances and that will strongly incultate in them the value of treating their future spouses/relations , with dignity
, respect and the most important of them all .. love.
regards
radhika
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Akanksha,
Ha ek mahatvacha prashna aahe ki jo samajat
sarva tharat aahe, Zopdi pasun te mahala paryant.
Tu svata: tyatun dhairyane baher padlis tya baddal
tuze kautuk aahe.
Mala vatate ha prashna fakt navara-bayko yach
natayt yeto ase nahi. Aaj kaal itar natyat hi
yeto. Aapan mulani aai vadilancha chhal keyache aikto tasech malkane nokaracha etc. Arthat navra
baykochya natyat to jast gambhir banato karan jeevanachach prashna asto.
Tu je mahatle aahe ki "navra-bayako che bhandan ahe, apan kase madhe padayche?" ha vichar sodun
Lokani madat karnyas pudhe aale pahije pan mazya
anubhavavarun ase mhanavese vatate ki baryach vela
asa anubhav yeto ki shevti navara aani bayko ek hotat aani madat karnara tondghashi padto.
Aamchya shejari ase ek jodpe aahe. Aamhi ase dhoran thevle aahe ki ti aamhala kahi sangavayas aali tar aamhi madhe padto, ervi aamhi madhe padat nahi.
Mala ase mhanayche nahi ki kuni madat karu naye.
Mala vatate ki sankatat asnaryane pratham savtacha
nischay karun , lok kaay mhanatil yacha vichar na karata , madat magitli tar lok madat kartilahi aani tyatun baher padata yeilach.
I know it is easy said than done.
Mala ase vatate ki nidan madat nahi jamli tari asha paristhititun janaryana uagachach samajane
aankhi chhalu naye evadhi jagruti aali tari pure.
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Rasik:
Tumhi faar mahatvacha vichaar mandla ahe. Mi jevha gharatoon baher padle, tevha, majhe man suddha dolaymaan hote. Yache karan mhanje mi pratham lihilya pramane, pratyekila ase vatte ki ha chhal sampava, pan sansar modu naye. Karne anek astat, mulanna vadeel asave, ektine sarva kahi jamel ka?, lok kay mhanteel?, apla navra sudharel ka? US madheel statistics pramane "a woman leaves the relationship an average of 8 times before she can make a final break" Tar aplya shejarni che vagne vichitra vatle tari manala lagoo devoo naka. Ti doghe ek jhali va apan vaeet tharlat ase vatne swabhavik ahe. Tila "and they lived happily ever after .." ya swapnachi aas ahe. Ani satat maarhaan va chhal chalu nasto. Marlya nantar kahi kaal jyala domestic violence madhe "honeymoon period"mhantat, jevha sarva kahi suraLeet aslyacha abhaas hoto, ki punha tech chakra chalu rahate. Parat Tila tumchya adharachi garaj lagel. Tila lagel tevha madat karal ya goshtine tila faar dheer yeeel. Ya paristhitun tila ektinech baher yayche ahe. Pun aplyala koni madaticha haat pudhe karel he ashwasan tila tumhi det ahat he faar changle ahe.
Tumhala madat karnyachi ichha ahe. Ek pustak milalyas vachaa:
When Love Goes Wrong : What to Do When You Can't Do Anything Right
by Ann Jones, Susan Schechter
Yaat shevatcha chapter je madat karoo ichhitat tyanchyasathi ahe. Ticha pakka nishchay ka hot nahi? He dushtachakra kase chalu rahate ashi mahiti tyat ahe.
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WARNING
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HOW AN ABUSER CAN DISCOVER YOUR INTERNET ACTIVITIES
email: if an abuser has access to your email account, he or she may be able to read your incoming and outgoing mail. if you believe your account is secure, make sure you choose a password he or she will not be able to guess.
history / cache file: if an abuser knows how to read your computer's history or cache file (automatically saved web pages and graphics), he or she may be able to see information you have viewed recently on the internet.
You can clear your history or empty your cache file in your browser's settings.*
Netscape:
Pulldown Edit menu, select Preferences. Click on Navigator on choose 'Clear History'. Click on Advanced then select Cache. Click on "Clear Disk Cache".
On older versions of Netcape: Pulldown Options menu. Select Network Options, Select Cache. Click on "Clear Disk Cache".
Internet Explorer:
Pulldown View menu, select Internet Options. On General page, under Temporary Internet Files , click on "Delete Files". Under History click on "Clear History."
AOL:
Pulldown Members menu, select Preferences. Click on WWW icon. Then select Advanced. Purge Cache.
* This information may not completely hide your tracks. Many browser types have features that display recently visited sites. The safest way to find information on the internet, would be at a local library, a friend's house, or at work.
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W
 Equality Wheel
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Please read this article to understand some problems faced by dependents in a foreign land.
Story of Pomeli
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Aakanshaa: the story of Pomeli is quite moving, I remember in Massachusetts (where I live) there was an incident a few months back....and it was all over the newspapers.
There was this Telegu couple residing in an aptmnt in an upscale town with their 2 yrs old daughter. The wife was pregnant for the second time. Husband was a s/w engineer in a reputed company. Wife was at home. They said he had a terrible anger and a mental imbalance to such an extent that he hanged his wife one night and committed suicide later on. Before doing that he had handed over his daughter to one of his Indian neighbors to babysit. When he didn't return for over 6 hrs, the neighbors went to check, nobody responded and they had to summon the cops.
It was very difficult to believe that such things do happen even now, though things have improved a lot over the past few years.
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| चोखंदळ ग्राहक |
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| महाराष्ट्र धर्म वाढवावा |
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| व्यक्तिपासून वल्लीपर्यंत |
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| पांढर्यावरचे काळे |
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| गावातल्या गावात |
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| तंत्रलेल्या मंत्रबनात |
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| आरोह अवरोह |
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| शुभंकरोती कल्याणम् |
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| विखुरलेले मोती |
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हितगुज दिवाळी अंक २००७
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