|
Arushi
| |
| | Tuesday, April 04, 2006 - 11:52 pm: | 
| 
|
<Hi
I am new here. I saw some threads and discussion here relevant to problem I am facing through. Some posts by few members were really relevant to my situation so had this courage to write here and get some insight from members here. I would really appreciate your help as I feel I am being completely consumed by this mental disturbance because of my problem.
Here is my problem.
I am marriageable age; I met one guy through site. We exchanged our info. Our parents were aware and before parents meet we decided to meet here in USA. We liked each other instantly. We talked daily almost 5-6 calls in two months we felt we can go one step ahead. In the beginning he did say he might stay here in US or go back to India. I was okay provided that he stays here in US for another 1-2 years. Here our differences started, he works for the same company for 6 years. His GC is in process. But he is not very keen to slog in the same company for GC as legally he cant change company now as he completed 8 years now and same company applied for his GC. He thinks his skills are wasted.
We had little arguments that why he wants to go back to India so soon, he has slogged for it and he can wait for some more time and that could be anything more than 3-4 years and he is just not willing to waste his skills in the same company and feel tied in.
We liked each other so much that we still kept talking and figuring out how we would work but suddenly he had to go to India for stamping his visa and before going he told we should wait and take a decision once he is back. With this 4 months daily talks, two in person meeting made us emotionally close. But I guess it was me who was thinking that he is feeling the same. He told me many times that he is keen and likes me. but once he went to India he said he wants to get married now and in any case I am reluctant to come back to India anytime 6 months the line, he would go ahead with other girl but if I can come to India immediately, he will fix up with me. I was in twist as getting leave in US with short notice was not easy. Secondly I felt hurt that he kept on saying he likes me and would finalize with me by figuring out any solution that works best for us. And now after going to India he was telling me that he can’t wait. I couldn’t go and he said he can’t wait as his parents want him to get married in his vacation. I was terribly hurt as I was shocked and wondered where did all his emotions go? Or was I wrong to feel that he really did not mean anything when he told me umpteen times that he liked/loved me. I was upset but had no option. I informed my parents too. My parents were fine to go ahead. But his parents wanted me to come to India. Honestly i found him selfish as he was not caring that its difficult for me to take leave and come as and when I fancy.
He came back to US and first thing he did was to call me. He did say nothing was finalized but he generally avoided the topic to give me clear details like whether he finalized something with any girl in India or is he communicating or is he interested in me in continuing again?
He called me on his own almost daily initially And he did ask if anything worked for me and later when I was keen calling him, he stopped calling me but would talk nicely when I called up and ask almost daily what’s happening in my life etc?. Finally giving him some time to overcome jetlag for two weeks(as he complained when I indirectly wanted to know about his status(if single or engaged) ,he said he is too tired to talk because of jetlag and cold.). I asked him finally whether he would like to pursue us, he gave me weird answer that he has not thought on it. For some time he wants to take a break from seeing or discussing about marriage. I was shocked as the person who was so much eager to fix his marriage few days back in India vacation now not willing to talk?? When I asked him again if he is not interested in me, he again said he has not given thought on it, let’s be friends for a while. When I asked if he is communicating with any girl from India he said, please I am not thinking anything about it. Let’s talk as friends.
I was disappointed. But he kept on talking and saying,you call me whenever I feel like.
I am so much interested so I kept on calling
He told me lets not talk for another 2-3 weeks. At the same time he told me I can see other boys if I want. He had never told me this before when he was so keen before going to India. He was very much trying and would say I really like you and want to go ahead with you. Please have patience; I will see if I do something about my stay in US.
I have questions in my mind, can you please help me to see insight.
It is emotional involvement for me. And I find him compatible now. its five months now since we started our communication. We are good friends now. But after his India visit he sounds indifferent. Earlier he would talk all small details, share his views etc.
Lately its me who is calling and he know for sure that I like him a lot and very much KEEN in him. Please help me when should I ask him again? It will be a month since he came from India.
Now I wonder what I am doing. Is it right to call him when he says that I can se eother guys? What is this guy up to?
He has not told me anything clearly? Is he really interested or just taking me for granted seeing my interest? or is he really wants to take a break?
Or has he finalized somebody but not wanting to disclose or do not want to break our friendship?
How should I pop this question to him again?
How to know what is his real intention?
One thing was there when he was in India, he had clearly told his parents that he is very much interested and wants to finalize when I come to India. We did keep calling every day when he was in India till I told him that I cant make India trip and only 10 days were left for his vacation to get over. So not sure if his parents forced him or he got angry or changed his mind?
Please help me!! I am thinking a lot about him.
Thanks
>
|
Dakshina
| |
| | Wednesday, April 05, 2006 - 6:02 am: |
|
|
अरुशी,
एकूण तुझी Post वाचता लक्षात येतंय की हे जे काही चाललेलं आअहे ते सगळं त्याच्या Convenience ने चाललेलं आहे. त्याने तुला झुलवत ठेवलं आहे कोणताही निर्णय न देता. किंवा तो स्वतः तुझ्याबद्दल तितकासा खात्री बाळगून नाहीए. म्हणून त्याला निर्णय घ्यायला जड जात असावं किंवा इतरही काही कारणं असू शकतात.
तुझी अवस्था मला पुर्णपणे कळू शकते. 'हो' आणि 'नाही' च्या भोवर्यात तू सापडली आहेस. यापैकी एक जरी उत्तर मिळलं तरी तुझ्यासाठी पुढे जाणं शक्य होईल. कदाचीत तू खूप Keen आहेस हे तो जाणतो, म्हणूनच त्याला अशी खात्री आहे की तू तसच वागशील जसं तो तुला सांगेल. But my dear तू थोडी Strong हो. जेटलॉग आणि थंडी ही कारणं महिनाभर देण्यायोग्य नाहीत. तू त्याला एक शेवटचा निक्षून विचार की तू काय ठरवलं आहेस म्हणून.
लक्षात ठेव अरुशी, Choice हा तुलाही हवा.. दुसर्याच्या म्हणण्याप्रमाणे वागत बसलीस तर त्याच्या हातातलं खेळणं होशील, जितकी जास्त गुरफटत जाशील तितका जास्त त्रास तुला होईल.
तू ही मुलं बघ हे जे तो सांगतोय, त्यावरून मला वाटतं की तो अजुनही तुझ्याबाबतीत 50 - 50 आहे...
हा काय बाजार आहे का
तो तुझ्या Emotions शी असा खेळू शकत नाही, आणि तू त्याला आत्तपर्यंत खेळू दिलेस हे पुष्कळ झालं असं मला वाटतं. उद्या त्याला वाटेल आणि तो म्हणेल की आत्ताच्या आत्त मला लग्नं करायचं आहे. ते चूक असेल. त्याला अशी भीती वाटली पाहिजे की तुझ्याही शब्दाला काही मान आहे... तुझा निर्णय हा ही यातला प्रमुख भाग असणार आहे.
थोडा विचार कर....मला माहीती आहे, या गुंत्यातून सुटका खूप अवघड आहे, कळतं पण बर्याचदा वळत नाही. शांतपणे त्याला एकदा विचार, आणि शेवटचं विचारतेयस हे ही त्याला कळू दे.. म्हणजे त्याला थोडी जरब बसेल. कदाचित हे करणं तुला अवघडही जाईल. पण... करायला हवंच...
माझ्या स्वतःचा अनुभवावरून सांगते अरुशी, की आपण एकदा ठरवलं ना की आपण काहीही करू शकतो, फ़क्त ठरवल पाहीजे. कमकुवत मनापुढे हात टेकले की आपण पण खूप कमकुवत होतो. आता तू ठरव की तुला Strong व्ह्यायचं आहे की कमकुवत.
आणि हो... भावनेच्या भरात खूप जास्त लिहीलंय, तुला जर काही आवडलं नाही आणि जर तुला नकळतपणे दुखावलं असेल तर माफ़ कर.
|
Arushi
| |
| | Wednesday, April 05, 2006 - 6:38 am: |
|
|
Hi Dakshina,
Since I posted this post, I kept on checking this site and logging.
I read your post. I did not feel bad. Thanks for all your suggestions. I really sense your feeling. I am trying to think what you are saying.
Unfortunately for some reason, He is the first guy whom I found so compatible and he also knows that I can be good match for him but I think people are so mean and want to do as per their whims and fancy.
I really liked him so it is getting bit difficult and at the same time, with lot of difficulty I felt he could be good match so I am waiting and expecting his answer.
If I call him, he replies my calls immediately.
For instance, if I leave a message that I want to talk to him something, I noticed that he would curiously return my calls or else will return after two days or so.
Yes, I am bit emotional about this guy and very hopeful about good things to happen.
Seeing that very limited (?) choices around in terms of boys(family,kundali,education,compatibility) and the whole process it takes I feel I should try to work out the things. Or may be I liked him so much and I "fear" that if I "push" him or "force" him, unnecessary his willingness will get changed.
I fear if I keep asking him again in spite of he telling me this answers that he has not thought yet about us, he might loose interest in me.
The way talks, does give me feeling he likes me but he seems bit cautious after his India trip.
He seems more like curious of what I am thinking or feeling about whole issue.
Again he is very sure that I like him and very keen in him. But may be he wants me to be more like begging or asking him again and again.
Is he egoistic?
What do you think Dakshina from my all above sense about him, is he really keen? Is he sincere?
What could be the issue?
Please tell me how should I ask him?
Should I stop calling him? I fear that if I stop calling him, there will be no touch and would cause less of interest in me.
Should I put my foot firmly? Again I fear I might loose good proposal. His family is good and education. And his general behavior that I noticed in past 4 months is good. But honestly, in last 1 and half month I did feel little taken a back seeing some of his actions like forcing me to call to India per his convenience, not giving me clear answer.
Checking indirectly on me if I am really interested by asking why did I call? Do I have to say anything specific?
Please suggest me how do i handle that will not cause the things to turn sour or he is taken a back.
Like my mom says, sometimes because of our behavior we loose, so we should be "patient". My mom says he must be upset that you did not come to India so he might be taking his time. My mom is simple so she may not know how people behave but what to do my emotional liking is taking bit time to decide and be strong.
Please tell me how do I cope this and be confident about whole situation?
Should I be patient? and keep continue to wait to see what comes from his side.
How should I pose question to him again on this issue? How should I prepare if he refuses to answer and give me same answer like before?
I sincerely need some help. I really don’t want to break and try sincerely to work out something.
Arushi
|
Dakshina
| |
| | Wednesday, April 05, 2006 - 7:16 am: |
|
|
Arushee,
Seems you are more comfortable in English. no probelms.. I can sense that you are very much interested in him, and he is taking you for granted. if he is also there with you in USA then he should know that it was very difficult for you to go to India, knowing all the situation in the other country. another thing what i feel is... 4 months is a very less time to know a person and to get married.. so whatever happens is good.
what your mother says is also right Arushee, sometimes our aggitations leads and creats something which we never expect.
as you said, this is the first guy you found matching up to your expectations family and other wise also. but i feel there are many boys... ofcourse if you look for. afteral you decide what is marriage for you? what would you prefer? an equal relationship or a dominated relationship? do you have to adjust just because he is matching to your family and education?
it will be an exaggeration if i will say that he is egoestic. he might be... everyone is... i think our ego arises as per the situation.
ofcourse you should be patient but not begging types just because you want him, and you are very keen in him.
you said he returns your call immediately, that reflects that he also likes you. and he is also very good in behaviour you say..
but i don't understand why do you have to be fearful that if you stop calling him he will loose interest in you. and his quickness in returning your calls also show that he doesn't want to loose you in any case.
at last i feel if you both can sit together and if he can really understand your feelings you can always tell him politely.... or may instead of asking tell him that you have found another guy.. and you need his help to take a decision... i think it will automatically insist him to declare his decision.
All the best
|
Meggi
| |
| | Wednesday, April 05, 2006 - 7:41 am: |
|
|
आरुशी,
तू ज्या अनुभवातुन जात आहे, तो अनुभव बर्याच लोकांना थोड्या फ़ार फ़रकाने आलेला असतो हे तुला बाकिच्या BB वरुन कळलं असेल.
जर तो मुलगा आता जास्त interest दाखवत नसेल तर तू पण त्याला जास्त phone करुन किंवा त्याचं मत विचरुन तुझ self restpect कमी करु नकोस. त्याच्या कुठल्याही वागण्यावरुन तो +ve आहे, त्याला interest आहे असे अर्थ काढु नकोस. ज्याला interest असतो, तो स्वत:हुन बोलतोच.
थोडं harsh वाटेल मी लिहिलेलं, पण आता त्याचा विचार बदललाय. त्याला हे relationship continue करण्याची इच्छा नाही. त्याला हे सरळ सांगायचि हिम्मत नाही, म्हणुन तो तुझ्याशी बोलणं टाळतोय.
त्याने केलं ते चुक कि बरोबर? तो selfish का वागतोय? आइ वडिलांचा दबाव आहे का? या प्रश्नांची उत्तरं शोधायचा प्रयत्न पण करु नकोस. त्याला कस वागायचं ते त्याला ठरवु दे, तुला काय करायच ते तु ठरव.
दुसरी मुलं बघायला लाग. या गुन्त्या तुन बाहेर पडशिल वेळ जाइल तसा all the best .
|
Dakshina
| |
| | Wednesday, April 05, 2006 - 7:57 am: |
|
|
What Meggie says is also right iIfeel. somthings are not asked, we have to command them. so I think you should command respect.
All The Best to you.
|
Juili
| |
| | Wednesday, April 05, 2006 - 11:22 am: |
|
|
आरुशी,
तुझा अनुभव वाचून वाईट वाटले. Recently मलाही similar अनुभव आला. So I can very well understand how it feels..
मला असे वाटते की तो मुलगा थोडा confused आहे. may be त्याच्याशी direct बोलणे उपयोगी ठरेल. तुझे हे post अगदी matured , विचार करुन लिहिलेले वाटते. तू हवे तर त्याला हेच (त्याच्याविशयी तुला जे आवडले नाही ते सुद्धा edit न करता) mail पण करु शकतेस.. ज़ितक्या लवकर matter solve करशील तितके तुझ्यासाठी चान्गले राहील असे वाटते.
पण त्याला contact करण्या आधी, तू स्वत्:शी नक्की विचार करुन घे, की तू त्याच्या बरोबर पुढे सुखी होशील का? प्रत्येक लहान मोठा decision घेताना तुम्ही दोघेही एकमेकान्चा विचार करु शकाल का?
जर तुला थोडेही नकारात्मक वाटले, तर त्याला नाही म्हणणे may be a better option..
In either case, a few days are going to be tuff.. But don't worry.. सगळ्या प्रकारचे दिवस सम्पतातच..
All the best and take care..
जुईली
|
Saranga
| |
| | Wednesday, April 05, 2006 - 1:50 pm: |
|
|
Hi Arushi
i read all the above and gotto know a lot about how ladies in general tend to think. i'll try to give you a male prespective, you can ignore it.
Typically men tend to give their career priority over their personal relationships (unfortunately!). You had mentioned he wants to switch his job or maybe return to India. But right now he is in US. Has he changed his job? Maybe he does not want to take matters further till he's settled and clear about his career!
Do you have a common friend who can speak to him about his concerns? Its helpful to open before a common firend about certain concerns which you cant speak to your partner.
Can you call his parents, just for courtesy and check how they react? assuming they know you.
Lastly give him time to cool off, dont call for few days and if he calls tell him you are busy and if possible ask him for lunch (home cooked, better). Keep atmosphere light and after sometime discuss about how your career is going and then ask him about his career. If he opens up fully, you know what to understand.
Be positive and cheerful.
All the best ;)
sarang
|
Zoom
| |
| | Wednesday, April 05, 2006 - 3:43 pm: |
|
|
Hi Arushi,
After reading all the posts above I will also suggest you that do not let your self down. What you can do is give him some fixed time may be 15 days or something and tell him that enough is enough and you want his final answer on this matter within this time other wise you will not continue with this relationship any more. Pressure from your side will force him to think on this matter and take some decision regardless of what ever is the matter or atleast he will tell you the truth if he do not realy want to loose you.
I will suggest all others that if you think this is the right thing to do then please do post your response here so that she will be confidant in doing this.
And Saranga, I do not agree with your statement that "Typically men tend to give their career priority over their personal relationships (unfortunately!)"
Of course this can be your personal opinon but you just can not generalize it.
|
Bsa
| |
| | Wednesday, April 05, 2006 - 5:08 pm: |
|
|
Hi Arushi,
My opinion is "do or die"..like Zoom(Sandeep) said..
give him some timeframe to tell yes or no.
Sarang, dont agree with your statement "Typically men tend to give their career priority over their personal relationships (unfortunately!)"
Yes..you can't generalize it.
|
Arch
| |
| | Wednesday, April 05, 2006 - 5:23 pm: |
|
|
अरुषी, तुझी emotional involvement खूप आहे ह्या मुलाच्यात. त्यामुळे rational thinking वापरण जड जात आहे. तुमच्या दोघांचा कोणी common मित्र आहे का ज्याने तुम्हाला introduce करून दिल तो? जो तुला त्याच्या अशा वागण्याबद्दल सांगू शकेल? किंवा त्याचा कोणी close friend तुला माहित आहे का जो तुझ्याशी ह्या विषयावर बोलू शकेल. may be he is confused and can't take a decision पण हे कोणी त्याच्याबद्दल तुला सांगू शकणार आहे का?
|
Manuswini
| |
| | Wednesday, April 05, 2006 - 5:42 pm: |
|
|
यार अरुशि हे सगळ वाचुन मला नेहमिचा प्रश्ण पडतो की ही मुलं एवढी confuseD का आहेत मुलिंच्या मानाने ह्या बाबतीत?
आता मीच ह्याविषयावर pHD करुन confused होणार बहुतेक 
माझ्याकडे Exp ची रांग आहे ह्या confused मुलांबाबतीत
ह्या रोगाला(मुलांच्या confused वृतीला) आळा कसा बसेल ह्यावर ही bb उघडेन म्हणते बाकिच्या रोगापेक्षा भयानक
बरे अरुशि, jokes apart
तु भावनिक दृष्ट्या खुप गुंतत चालली आहेस. मी समजु शकते ४ महिने सतत फोन वर बोलणे वगैरे आणी hopeful असणे.
तुला थोडा वेळ मिळल्यावर लिहिते.
थोडा स्वःताला वेळ दे मी वरिल post वाचली. त्याचा नीट विचार कर. emotionally त्रास्दायक होते अगदी मान्य. खुप दुःख होते. बहुतेक मुलिच जरा ज्यास्त लग्नाबाबतीत स्वप्ने रंगवतात ..( i am not biased,please male clan dont argue here on my line, just my exp i shared ).
will write more later
|
Mrinmayee
| |
| | Wednesday, April 05, 2006 - 5:54 pm: |
|
|
आरुशी, तुझा problem वाचून वाईट वाटलं. भावनिक गुंतवणुक झालेली नाती चटकन तोडून टाकता येत नाहीत हे खरं, पण त्याचा कोणी गैरफ़ायदा घेऊ लागलं तर त्रास आपल्यालाच होतो. तो तुझ्यात मनानं गुंतला नाही असं judgemental विधान तर मी करणार नाही, पण ज्याला तुझ्या अडचणी समजून न घेता आपल्याच terms and conditions वर लग्न करायचं आहे अश्या मुलाबरोबर तू कितपत सुखी राहशील याचा तू कधी विचार करतेस का? तुम्ही दोघं compatible असाल सगळ्या बाबतीत पण जी व्यक्ति तुला लग्नासारख्या महत्वाच्या decision वर pressurise करते, ती भविष्यातही आपलेच विचार तुझ्या माथी मारणार नाही कशावरून? कितीही कठिण असलं तरी तुला practically विचार करावा लागेल असं नाही का तुला वाटंअत?
पण तरीही, एकदा ह्या सगळ्याचा सोक्शमोक्श लावणं भाग आहे असं वाटत असेल तर confrontation is the best option! I wish you all the bast !
|
Arushi
| |
| | Wednesday, April 05, 2006 - 9:40 pm: |
|
|
DAKSHINA, its not that I dont like Marathi, writing in Marathi is too slow. But you can please write in Marathi. I love reading in Marathi better. I read your postings. Just one questions- how far is it right to create such insecurity by telling him that I found another guy? Do you really think this would be right? Won’t it deteriorate his interest? And give wrong signals about my interest? Please suggest me!!
Secondly, I won’t loose my self-respect however I like the guy. But I want to be little patient and don’t want me to be a reason to spoil the things. i will try sincerely, rest all is destiny. Just want you guys support and confidence to sort it out and take things in right direction. I am so much emotionally involved so want you guys help to clear my sight. Thanks
|
Arushi
| |
| | Wednesday, April 05, 2006 - 9:48 pm: |
|
|
Meggi, I read your post as well. As you say, he is not interested anymore then why would he call up me on the day he reached to USA?? I am still reasoning to myself to get this answer? Isn’t this show his interest? Or am I making myself happy by seeing such signs?.
Why does he return my calls when I leave voice message that I need to talk with him? He is so curious that he returns my calls , and keeps asking me what was that I wanted to talk.
I agree your line that if someone is really interested, would definitely speak out on his own. But I believe may be he was disappointed about me not making India trip, may be he has some misunderstandings and want some time? Please help me. I am tired of this reasoning with myself and day by day increasing emotional involvement. but still wish I should give some time and see myself rather than me jumping and spoiling things.hope it works and gets sorted!!
thanks
|
Arushi
| |
| | Wednesday, April 05, 2006 - 9:53 pm: |
|
|
Juili,
Got your point. Yes I did ask myself and do get good feelings. We are comfortable and have similar view points. I do get good feeling that we are a good match. Lately I was little taken a back by his forceful behavior of me making a trip to India. But I want to give some time and understand myself too. Deep at heart I don’t get negative feelings as such. I am going to ask him directly but just not able to decide when and how should I ask and what time frame could be right? I am asking again and again you guys as I am so much disturbed and need you guy’s perspective here.
|
Arushi
| |
| | Wednesday, April 05, 2006 - 10:00 pm: |
|
|
saranga- career and marriage shouldn’t be mixed. This guy knows very well what he is looking from career. At this time marriage is his priority. and that’s why I was surprised when he told that he has not thought of anything yet when I asked if he wants to continue our talks?
Zoom- Again as I said above, making my mind and want you guys support and confidence. I really want to work out so taking care not spoil things. Gathering some confidence. May be I am too emotional and fearing.
Arch- He met me through some site. There is no friend (his friend) known to me.
Mrinmayi – Got your point. I am really going through mental turbulence now. I want to sort this out and really really hoping that outcome is positive. I answered to Juili about your concern. I don’t get any negative feelings but have no clue why he suddenly became in-different. Thanks for all your support. Just need your wishes to come out of this pain.
|
Champak
| |
| | Thursday, April 06, 2006 - 7:32 am: |
|
|
Abstract: करीयर मध्ये प्रगती दिसत नसताना future partner ला शब्द देणे त्याला जड जात असावे. आपाण ज्याच्यावर जिवापाड प्रेम करतो त्याला सर्व प्रकारचे सुख जर देउ शकत नसु अन ते जर ईतर कुणाकडुण मिळु शकत असेल त आपाण त्याच्या आड येउ नये अशी ही भावणा असु शकते.
कदाचित ह्यावेळी त्या मुला ला ह्या मुली ची जास्त गरज असेल!!
आततायी निर्णय घेण्यापेक्षा काही वेळ देउ शकाल का?
|
Saavni
| |
| | Thursday, April 06, 2006 - 8:11 am: |
|
|
आरूशी मला वाटते की तो गोंधळलेला असू शकतो किंवा काही इतर कारणांमुळे आता त्याला ह्या relation मध्ये interest नाही असं ही होऊ शकतं. तू त्याला थोडा वेळ द्यावास. म्हणजे सारखी चौकशी करणं हे कदाचित त्याला फार intimidating वाटू शकतं. थोडे दिवस contact करू नकोस आणि त्याची reaction बघ. जर तरी तो थंड असेल तर माझ्या मते तू तुझा आणि तुझ्या आई-वडीलांचा विचार करून स्वत:चं आयुष्य पुढे जाऊ द्यावस.आणि वाट किती बघायची हे सुद्ध तुझ्याकडे किती वेळ आहे त्यावर ठरव. एव्हाना तुला त्याच्यावर पूर्ण विश्वास असेल तर तुझ्या मनातलं सगळ स्पष्ट सांगून त्याला किती वेळ हवा आहे हे ही विचारू शकतेस पण त्याचं उत्तर तो देउ शकेलच असं नाही वाटत. माझ्या मते हे "playing hard to get" असंही नाहीये तर फक्त त्याला निर्णय घेण्यासाठी मोकळीक देणं आहे.
|
Jai_jui
| |
| | Thursday, April 06, 2006 - 4:22 pm: |
|
|
Hi Arushi
I felt that my experience can help you to look for your better half. I would have written in Marathi but I don't have much time. It is sad to see that smart and accomplished girls like you are going through this.
I am living in US for last 12 years. I was looking for a life partner. I was divorced in 2000 after a short marriage. When I started to look for somebody, in the beginning was keen on finding somebody Indian. As you can understand that the pool was already small. It is hard to meet somebody when you are working. Unfortunately in my field there aren't many Indians. I tried different ways to meet boys but I did not find anybody. Just like you, I got emotionally involved couple of times and then the prospective life partner visited India and the things suddenly changed. But at least in my experience the boys were good enough to let me know about their decision quickly. I have more experiences than that but I think the later part is more important.
So the first thing I decided to look at this process as a project. Make a wish list, what you can live with and what you can not live with. This was very important because it gave some clarity to my thoughts. I enrolled into various dating services Indian and American as well. You never know where you will find the right person.
Then I went to India (Pune)for a month. I registered at 4 vadhuvar mandal. Looked for any matches there. I found a few. I must tell you that I had very good experience with most of them. Actually one of them just gave me the names and details of the boys without registration spending his two hours.
I also gave an advertisement in a local newspaper for a week. I was surprised to get very good response. Few of them were getting married for the first time. Of course, you have to answer few weird calls but you can make fun of it. At least that's what I did to make the whole experience bearable. Out of the pool I shortlisted 5 of them. I met one of them while I was in India. Met the parents of two others. After returning to US I contacted all of them. I made them aware that I was also considering other proposals as well. Now I am happily married to my first choice for 8 months 
Finally, here are my few suggestions
1. It is hard to do but try to be more practical in deciding the arranged marriage. Make use of the skills you learn at work.
2. Don't put all the eggs in one basket, have choice.
3. When you meet a person, there is always 50-50 chance that the things will or will not work out. Be up-front about the things which are important you.
4. Don't feel that this is the only person out there for you.
5. Be prepared to make adjustments, and you should know which ones you can make. After all life is adjustment. One has to make adjustments whether you live alone or married.
Believe in destiny and have faith.
Wishing you all the best. Write to me if you wish to talk further
With Best regards
Jai_Jui
|
Manuswini
| |
| | Thursday, April 06, 2006 - 6:33 pm: |
|
|
चंपक,
प्रेमाच्या काय गप्पा करतोस? हे Arranged marriage आहे जे काही असेल तसे मुलाने स्पष्ट बोल्लयचे
हे काय उत्तर आहे का की काहिच ठरवले नाही म्हणुन.
त्याने तसे सांगावे की मला interest आहे पण हा असा problem आहे तुला काय वाटते.
ही hide n seek का करायची?
तु म्हणतोस तसे ठिक आहे की आताताई निर्णय घेवु नये पण relationship मधे honesty असायला हवी..
हा फालतुपणा नसु नये. की तु मुलगे बघ.. किंवा मी ठरवलेच नाही अजुन
काही दिवसापुर्वी तो मुलगा लग्नाला तयार होता आणी आता असे म्हणतो म्हणजे लबाड बोलणे आहे त्याचे.
अरुशि थोडासा वेळ दे ग आणी सरळ विचार मला ही असाच अनुभव आला होता तो मुलगा खुप confused होता. त्यात त्याला स्वःताची मते न्हवती. आधी मला पुर्ण होकार आहे सांगितले आणी नंतर बहिणी शी बोलला आणी त्याचे मत बदलले की त्याने थोडावेळ घ्यावा हा decision देण्याआधी असे त्याच्या बहिणीला वाटत होते. वर बहिणीने फालतु solution दिले की तु काही महिने बोलुच नकोस ह्या मुलिशी आणी मग तुला प्रेमभावना आहे का कळेल आणी तिला जर थांबायचे असेल तर ती थांबेल, ही responsibility तु घेवु नको वगैरे वगैरे फालतु सल्ले दिली होते त्याच्या बहिणीने. आणी पुर्ण ९ महिने आम्ही नुसते बोलतच होतो. तरी त्याला कळत न्हवते की त्याला काय हवे आहे? का काय वाटते.
तु शांत पणे ठरव.
|
Manuswini
| |
| | Thursday, April 06, 2006 - 6:37 pm: |
|
|
मला वाटते अरुशिला थोडा धीर हवा आहे तुम्हाला काय वाटते मंडळी?
अरुशी
थोडी शांत हो
सावनी मुलाने उत्तर दिले नाही तरी गप्प बसावे आणी वाट पहावी
मोकळीक म्हणजे किती मोकळीक द्यायची असे तुला म्हणायचे आहे?
ती म्हणते तो फोन वर बोलतो हिने फोन केल्यावर
|
Champak
| |
| | Thursday, April 06, 2006 - 7:01 pm: |
|
|
Manu:swini,
u didnt get my point. Read again. Its abstract.
And if its arranged marriage, there shouldnt be any emotional involvement (upto this level) before everything is finalised.
|
आरुषी, emotional involvement झाली हे ठीक आहे. पण तु विचार कर ज्या नात्यात इतके पण मोकळेपण नसेल की तु त्याला सांगु शकत नाही आहेस आणि परत तु जर force केलस तर तो कसा react करेल ह्याची भिती तुला वाटते आहे तर तुला अस नाही वाटत का की तुमची ओळख अजून पुरेशी झाली नाहीये.
तु त्यल मोकळेपणाने सांगू शकत नाहीयेस तुझ्या feelings बद्दल इथेच काहीतरी चुकते आहे. तुला HG वर लिहिणे सोपे वाटते आहे पण त्याला कन्व्हे करणे सोप्पे वाटत नाहीये.
माझ्या मते तु त्याला मोकळेपणाने सांगावेस. सगळच. what u r going through, what are the options, Is he interested.. etc आणि त्यातून जर हे तुटल तर probably it wasn't meant to be .. बघ तुला पटत आहे का
|
Manuswini
| |
| | Thursday, April 06, 2006 - 11:09 pm: |
|
|
रचना मला तुझे काही विचार पटले बघ
मी पण हेच विचार करत होते की तिला हे सांगु
तु नेहमीच ताडते ते बरोबर
पण एक सांगु की हे arranged maarige आहे ग तिने लिहिले ना तिथे
४ महिन्यात एवढी ओळख असते का की emotional feelings सांगण्याएवढी?
कोणाला हे सांगण्याआधी थोडी भीती असते असे मला वाटते कारण आपल्य्यला माहित नसते की त्याचा प्रतिसाद काय आहे (हे सगळे मला वाटते)
दुसरे म्हणजे मला रचना तुझा हा मुद्द नाही कळला की चुकते म्हणजे काय?
अरुशी तुला वाटते का ग तो react कसा करेल?
तु म्हणतेस तसे त्याला कधी थोडी emotional close वाटले असेल तर open up होईल तो बहुतेक provided he feels the same way for you right now as well after seeing ur response
एकदा तु विचारुन दीलीस ना hint की तु interested आहेस still
मग कर एकदा try
|
|
| चोखंदळ ग्राहक |
|
| महाराष्ट्र धर्म वाढवावा |
|
| व्यक्तिपासून वल्लीपर्यंत |
|
| पांढर्यावरचे काळे |
|
| गावातल्या गावात |
|
| तंत्रलेल्या मंत्रबनात |
|
| आरोह अवरोह |
|
| शुभंकरोती कल्याणम् |
|
| विखुरलेले मोती |
|
|
|
हितगुज दिवाळी अंक २००७
|
|
|