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wo!! she is not trying ot make you look bad or something or give you any advice.... she just said what she has done wy are you getting so mad swati? at least your post sounded like that.
People tried to soothe you, lend you an ear, tried to give you some suggestions. What else they can do for you? ok agreed you are in a terrible condition but what else other fellow netizens do for you than sympathise with you?
dont get me wrong swati but from your post now it looks like you are not open for discussion or change, you just want to complain. If you want all those kautuk htings happen then there should be a hwole lot of attachment is needed between you and your in laws. I dont see that is there. Nothing to blame you or them but that attachment is not there then you are never going to get that 'kautuk' from them. well ok if they are not putting any step forward in your direction then you do it there is nothing wrong.
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swati,
I am sorry if I have hurt your feelings. Please, I don't think the life is perfect.
Let me say what I understood from your postings Please correct me if I am wrong, because only you know your situation and nobody else can claim to know it better than you.
What I understood was:
probably you were already stressed out (overwhelmed ??) by all the roles you needed to do (super employee / super wife / super mom, in Arch's words). I think, your home has convetional sharing of the house chores, i.e. women's work and men's work is clearly defined. Since you have lived with your in-laws, you were looking forward to their visit. You thought that MIL is sure to understand and chip in. When it didn't happen, it was one thing too many for you and you snapped. So, the problem you are facing is not in-laws; but that your plate is too full. The only way out is have somebody else to share it with you.
You have stayed with your in-laws. You have done many things for them in the past. In words of stephen Covey, you have deposited enough in their emotional bank account. That's why I suggested that you talk to them, because I know you can afford to withdraw some now. It is not something evryone can do, such a move will make them bankrupt !
The main block is that we feel that others should understand and come forward without we need to approach them for help. Don't we do it all the time ? When we see somebody with both hands full, we always hold the door open without being asked. But, as you say, life is not perfect. It may take a little more initiative from you and seek help (I'd have loved to suggest that your husband to lend a hand).
It is possible that your MIL does appreciate you and your capacity. She may not be aware of the changed circumstances that stress you out. The very reason that she is relaxed, may be because she is so certain about your strength. any mother will always be vigilant about her weak child and strive to protect it. That's why I suggested that you appeal to that instinct. Also you may be remebering her in her younger years. I don't know whether it is their first visit. If it is, it is changed circumstances for them too and they will take some time to adjust.
On the practical side, (these may not applicable to your situation) try some of these things:
- when you are folding clothes, get the basket, where your MIL is sitting, keep folding while talking to her, once she joins you in activity, move over to next activity without interrupting the talk. try to keep in same room.
- you can try the same with cutting vegetables etc (get 2 cutting trays and knives before you start the job), anything that can be done away from the stove.
"kautuk", I don't know ! :( It's really hard to get it from parents, spouse or children. It's not a job, where you get your due every 6 months or so, with performance appraisal. May be you have better chances if you evesdrop, when they think you are asleep; or if they are competing with somebody how good their daugher / DIL/ spouse / mom (?) is :(
Ajjuka,
It is easy to judge, but how can you be so sure about how much attachment they have between them ?
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Rshubha: you've given some really good advice which (as yogibear said) is applicable beyond the MIL discussion.
It is difficult to read someone's mind (hasn't worked for me yet), but its far easier to communicate. My wife tells me this everytime I get bugged about something and clam up instead of talking about it. :)
Swatid: your situation may be so complicated that this may not work for you, but if you try what Rshubha said, will it make it worse? Peace...
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well, I am sorry I had no intention to judge anybody or anybody's relationship. I just wrote what i felt. This is what it looked like. I may be 100% wrong in that aspect. That was just an opinion. It may not be like that. I know I have no right to judge anybody since I dont like anybody to judge me. anyways! I am sorry anyways!
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are pan swatila kharach 'tine' kaay karave he sangaychi garaj ahe ka? tine tari tasa kuthech lihila nahiye. mag tumhi ka tilach salle det ahat ki asa kar ani tasa kar?
tila uddeshun bolalyavar mag vaad ani mag tichi kshama. khara tar ha BB sampla asa vatat nahiye ka tumhala? mala vatata, ajun ya vishayavar kahi lihaycha asel tar arch chya BB var (prof ani pers kasa manage karato) lihuya. that wont be directly pointing to anyone, say like swati. kasa mhanata?
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mala nahi watat ha BB samplay mhanun. In-laws chya babatit yenere conflicts mhanaje:
- he kutumb kiti kalat ani kiti sahajatene tumhala samawun gheu shakate (mhanaje tumhi kiti diwas "outsider" rahata)
- jar wegawegali mate asali tar ughad / prachchanna bias disun yeto ka; mhanaje mat he tyachya merit war ajmawale jate, ki te konache ahe he jast mahattwache asate.
tumhala kay watate ?
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ek related lekh:
http://www.esakal.com/static/pahiltir4.html
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Sundar lekh ahe - atishay practical ani real life situation. Thanks Arti!
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chhan lekh ahe. are ti lihinari tar apli ek hitgujkar ahe.. AnaghaD.. tya lekhachya khaalacha email id bagha..
Wa Anagha ..chhan lihilayas.. ekdum patala.
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ho kharach ki!
Anagha chanach lihilayas.
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chaila, ushira alo hya charche madhye :) khup common vishay aahe ani jaasti karun mulila face karave laagte. pan jo paryant, mulala kalat naahi ki aaple aai-vadil chukiche vaagat aahet kivva tyanchya amuk-amuk apexa chukichya aahet ani to tyana samjaun sangat naahi to paryant tya biccharya muline kitihi khatpat keli, kitihi jeev otun life adjust kele tarihi kaahihi honaar naahi !!!
aadhi aaplya navrya barobar hey bola ani tyala patle tar tyala aadhi tyachya aai-vadilana sangaila laava .. otherwise, live as it comes .. cant help it, problem with ur husband !
and vice versa !!!
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I have said this again and again, I have not started this BB for advice about how to handle the situation at my house. I guess I should not have been open and written so clearly about the ups and downs I was facing.
Ajjuka, I never asked for 'salle', so naturally I am not receptive to them.
RShubha, once more let me say, I have been married for a long time (18 years) and even though there are a few ripples like these, we have had smooth sailing.
My point to statr this BB was to point out the differences that (both the in laws, yours and his and both of you) have to reconcile to.
Please do not think that I wrote a Dear Abby letter here. I just wanted to open a topic for conversation, not open my life for discussion.
Thanks
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Swatid - I think you should hop on over to the BB 'mrutyu nantar che jag' for a minute. Shrini is facing a similar predicament. He can't "control" the BB he started and is getting very frustrated. Maybe checking out that BB will be a good distraction. (BTW, don;t know if you know this but its always so much more interesting to peek into someone's life than discuss some abstract topic :)
I'm sure a lot of folks will benefit from your insights - i know i will - my mother-in-law may be visiting soon - I shudder to think... (in case my wife is reading this - you know I'm just kidding, ha ha)
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He can't "control" the BB he started and is getting very frustrated.<<
well, why should one feel the need to control a BB just because he/she started it?
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I agree ajjuka; i think its unrealistic to expect to 'control' a discussion anyway. [As to 'why' should one feel the need to control - coz its natural to want to control something you start. Ofcourse, once you start a discussion (or anything for that matter) it can take a life of its own.]
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Folks
Swati has full rights to comment upon the postings which are addressed to her specifically in terms of advices. I do not think she is trying to 'control' any discussions.
She has made very clear in here
"My point to statr this BB was to point out the differences that (both the in laws, yours and his and both of you) have to reconcile to.
Please do not think that I wrote a Dear Abby letter here. I just wanted to open a topic for conversation, not open my life for discussion. "
and as a responsible Hitgujkar, please respond to her request in right spirit.
The situation for 'Mrutunantarche Jag' is different than one over here. so please avoid any references to it here.
we'll appriciate if we all can put aside the issue of ownership and focus on the main topic.
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Thanks Moderator
Hya sagLya postins madhe mala sarvaat je appropriate vaaTley, that is the posting by Swati2. She has put forth the feelings of all the parties involved, without taking sides or pointing fingers. ALso she has not, in her entire posting, tried to give advise. But that is the best advise as it is easy to digest. Thanks Swati2
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Sorry Swati .. tujhe exact intention samju shaklo naahi amhi ! dont take it personally ...
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Well
Guys I know this is an explosive topic. There is always a lot that can be said on either side. We would do best if we do not let our emotions get in our way and secondly we should realize that just cos someone has opened up a BB, he/she wants advice on how to run his/her life. We all to try and be objective about any issue on a BB.
I appreciate your thoughts.
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Thankyou svsameer.
Mala watala navata ki ha likh me lihila ahe he konachya lakshat yeil.Thanx for this observation.
Pan kharach mala manapasun watat ki asa samajun ghenyane sagalyanchach aatushya suralit hoil.mhanaje vaitag yenar nahi.me sukhakar yasathi mhanat nahiye ki sukh he jyachya tyachya maananyawar asata.
aaj he sagale posting wachatana janawata ki sansaar karun 18 varsh zalelya sunela jo trass ahe, toch trass 1/2 varshe lagnala zalelya sunela hoto.mhanaje maanasikatemadhye farsa farak padala nahi.
mala baryachda vichar karataana watat, ki lagna zalelya mulila survatila je dadpan, tention asat te pudhehi kami adhik pramanat rahatach.tinech apalyabhowati baryachada na disanaari regh, niyam ghalun ghetaleli asate.konitari kahitari mhanen ashi ek bhiti manat asate. ani tich bhiti apalyala kahi karu det nahi,mokala hou det nahi.baryachda kalpanik gairsamaj, bhiti asate jyamule relation madhye molaklepana yet nahi.kadachit mokalepanane ani shantapane sangitalyane apalyala samorchi vyakti samajunahi gheil. ani samajun ghetale nahi tari apala swatahawar tham vishwas asaayala hava ki maza chuk nahiye, ani to cheharyawar disaayala hava.asa tham rahilyane kadachit kahikalane apala mhanan samorchya vyaktila patu shakel.
arthat he sangana soppa ani wagana awaghad asa asalyasarkhach ahe.
mazyasahtihi!
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Anaghad
I fully agree with your statement "aaj he sagale posting wachatana janawata ki sansaar karun 18 varsh zalelya sunela jo trass ahe, toch trass 1/2 varshe lagnala zalelya sunela hoto.mhanaje maanasikatemadhye farsa farak padala nahi."
Kitihi prayatna kela tari eka chakori baher apan jau shakat nahi. Lagnala 18 mahine kinva 18 varsha houde, aaplyakade sun hi vyakti sunach rahatey, tasach jaavai pun jaavai asto. tey mulgi kinva mulga hot nahit.
What I feel here is we have to absorb them in our family, not treat them as 'baherun alele vyakti'.
Once more please let me make it clear here, tis is not about just me or you, but a whole generation of suna.
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swatid: "we have to absorb them in our family, not treat them as 'baherun alele vyakti'" <<< agadi barobaar.....pun kranti ratoraat ghadaat nahi, tevhaa vel lagel pun sudharna nakkich hoil :o)
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yaat kasali aaliye kranti ? hi tar agadi sarvasamanya gosht aahe.
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asha sarvasamanya disnarya goshtich pudhe jaun motha swarup dharan karataat. mhanunach aaj ha vishay satawatoy apalya sagalyanna. adhichya lokanni yawar adhich vichar kela sata tar apalyaala kami suffer vhava lagala asata. anyway, nidan apalya pidhine vichar kela tar pudhachya pidhila apalyaitakatari suffer vhava laganaar nahi
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in laws na cauk vaaTto mhNauna Aaplaa ivacaar saÜDNyaapo@Xaa Kro karNa Asao Asato ik Aapla ivacaar pTvaUna doNyaakrta jaÜ sanGaYa- kravaa laagatÜ tÜ TaLNyaaica p`va`u<aI jastI Asato. jaa]do ]gaaca kXaalaa vaad %yapo@Xaa tumacao barÜbar maaja,o cauk.
Asao kolyanao sanGaXa- TLtÜ pna maUL problem sampt naaih
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Swatid
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| | Wednesday, March 27, 2002 - 7:17 pm: | 
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AanaGad
TuJa pÜ[nt e@duma barÜbar vaaT\la. AapNaca APlyaBaÜvait ek roGa AKuna GaotÜÊ %ya pilakdo Apna jaayla doiKla
GabatÜ-. g,hbatÜ- po@Xa Áeisatto vaÜ]ld bao A bao<aor vaÜd-.
Hya topic var koNashi tari bolat hoti tar tya vyaktini ek point kadhla. Varshanuvarshey muli lagna houn saasri jaatat, aapla ghar daar sodun, navya gharat swatahala visrun jaatat. Navin sansaarat samavun jataat. Purvi lahan vayaat lagna vhaychi, muli javal javal saasri vadhaychya. ApaN sadhya ha problem face karto karan ata paristhiti khup change zaliye. Lagnacha vay badallay, ata muli nokri kartaat, svatahacha astitva asta tyana, tyamule tyanchya apeksha badallyat.
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Swatid
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| | Wednesday, March 27, 2002 - 7:18 pm: |
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Guys please excuse the posting, something went wrong when I was trying to use the new functionality and try and post in marathi script. PLease excuse me.
Thanks
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Nivant
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| | Thursday, March 28, 2002 - 8:09 pm: |
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anaghad,
Tujhe vichar muddesud va "worth-pondering"
ahet!
Arati_halbe ne mhanlya pramane mulina vatate ki in-laws na vatate te sagale barobar.
(Apavad soda). Hi manovrutti ata badalate ahe mhana.
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Swatid
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| | Friday, March 29, 2002 - 2:44 am: |
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Here is a new twist to this topic
What IF it was the men who left their parents and came to the girls house after marriage? Would there be the same problems? same issues?
Any thoughts?
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Nivant
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| | Friday, March 29, 2002 - 4:20 am: |
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I'm not sure Swatid. I cannot even imagine this concept. (Purush pradhan sanskritacha pagada kiti prachand ahe pahilas?)
In India/Africa somewhere there is a tribe where this happens, I read somewhere.
I think issues always will be there-- but they can be settled in case of men more easily. (Personal bias?)
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svaatIÊ
tuJao AMdaja barÜbar Aahot. jyaa izkaNaI pu$Ya Gar saÜDUna saasarI jaatat itqaohI hoca p`Xna ]psqaIt hÜtat.
%yaacao jvalaMt ]dahrNa mhNajao rajaa rvaI vamaa-Mcao AayauYya. korLatIla maatRsa<aak vaatavarNaat
~avaNakÜrcyaa rajavaaD\yaa kDUna %yaaMcyaa ica~klaocyaa CMdacao par vaaTÜLo krNyaacaa p`ya%na kolyaa gaolyaa.
XaovaTI to sava- saÜDUna mauMba [ laa Aalao AaiNa ica~klaocaa vyaasaMga vaaZivalaa.
Aqaa-t maatRsa<aak pwtI far kmaI izkaNaI AstI%vaat AsalyaamauLo AXaI ]dahrNao kmaI AaZLUna yaotat.
naahItr hoca ica~ ]lato idsalao Asato
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Limboni
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| | Friday, March 29, 2002 - 4:16 pm: |
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>What IF it was the men who left their >parents and came to the girls house after >marriage? Would there be the same problems? >same issues?
apalya kutumbapaddhatimule aajawar tu mhanates tashi udaharane(javai in-laws kade jaun rahanyachi) kami ghadali. pan ji kahi thodi ghadat aahet/ghadali aahet tyat ase problems nakki aahet. sadhya maze ghar asa ek problem khoop javalun anubhavate aahe.
varachya kahi postingmadhun mala discussioncha soor thodasa mulinchi manasikata badalali pahije ase disato aahe. swati, tula hech ya charchet apekshit hote asehi mala tuzya postingvarun vatale. ya charchela hach tone nakki hava aahe yachi khatri karoon ghetali.
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Swatid
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| | Saturday, March 30, 2002 - 5:52 am: |
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Limboni
You are right, I think its the females who have to change their way of thinking if at all this issue has to be resolved.
I think the problems arise mainly from the struggle to be the 'power centre'. Here I am not criticising the women, each one has to be the controller in the house if they have to run the house, the trouble starts when there are 2 controllers.
All the family members automatically turn to the MIL as they are used to it for so many years, I mean the FIL and the hubby. This can go on for a limited amount of time. After that each and every woman wants her own 'vishwa' and it is most natural and normal. This is when the actual issues arise. There is the tussle for power.
Alternatively, if the son and DIL are already living separately this issue does not surface that openly because of the physical distance.
Especially is the son is out of the country, the wife runs the house, her word is law in the house. If you are in the US etc, your lifestyles are way different, your house is run differently. Then when the in-laws come for a visit, or maybe on immigration in some cases, there is this huge adjustment to be made. The in laws have to learn to adjuct to a new place, new language, new type of food etc. By the time they come and join the household, the DIL has already establised herself as head honcho (!) Here the situation is then reversed. Everybody in the house turns to her, and then the MIL vagaire feel that they are not being treated properly..they just dont understand that its but natura,, they ran their show at one point, and now its time to hand over the baton to the next person.
AM I being too long winded or am I managing to get my point across?
In both the situations, no one is at fault. Its the society, and the restrictions placed on us by society. How do we get out of this vicious circle?????
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| मायबोली |
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| चोखंदळ ग्राहक |
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| महाराष्ट्र धर्म वाढवावा |
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| व्यक्तिपासून वल्लीपर्यंत |
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| पांढर्यावरचे काळे |
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| गावातल्या गावात |
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| तंत्रलेल्या मंत्रबनात |
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| आरोह अवरोह |
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| शुभंकरोती कल्याणम् |
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| विखुरलेले मोती |
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