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Anolakhi
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| | Saturday, October 14, 2006 - 2:05 pm: | 
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I am writing this in english. Please pardon me for that.
My younger sister has a non-marathi boyfriend (We are maharashtrians). She hasn't openly admitted this to me yet but I know about it. My parents don't know anything about it yet. He seems like a nice guy but I have never met him. Both of them are doing M.S. in different schools in U.S. One day I happened to see her email inbox and I read few emails from him (I know it's not the right thing to do and I shouldn't have done that). But it was shocking to read that in almost every email he exhibited extreme possessive borderline crazy quality. He constantly scolded my sister for having guys as friends at her school, guys writing messages on her orkut profile, her spending too much time caring for her friends (including her room mates and family)...you get the point. My sister has replied to him pleading for his forgiveness even though she has done nothing wrong. I want to seriously warn my sister against this guy. I want her to be extremely cautious. Far too may times I have seen possessive boyfriends ruining peoples' lives.
I don't want to tell her that I read her emails. She knows my family doesn't like intercast relationships so anything I tell her about him, she is going to take it negatively. She hasn't mentioned a single thing about his constant controlling, borderline abusive behavior to me since she hasn't even admitted her relationship to me. I am a very open person and we are very close. I care too much about my sister to let her do this to herself. How do I approach her and how do I convince her that this is not the right guy for him? Please help.
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Manuswini
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| | Monday, October 16, 2006 - 4:48 pm: |
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Being a sister and love for her really shows up.
though its very 'WRONG' to read someone 19s email, if it is accidentally done shouldn 19t hurt your sister.
There are lot of delicate things that needs to be handled first......
1) Your sister will first strongly react to you reading her hotmail inbox. You first need to explain her in what circumstances you read her emails or how you happen to read. In a situation, if her emails had no 'secretive' info( as you say her having BF is hidden) ,she would not have mind you reading her emails but her email had sensitive and her private info that she was hiding so it might take a while before you actually explain and go ahead to explain about this guy. She would take everything negative or against whether you tell for her own good at that moment.
In this situation she would not listen but rebel more or feel vulnerable. So you have to decide steps to approach her. In my suggestion, when you too chat in casual mood (not knowing how you two are close), let her know how accidentally she left her inbox open and you happen to read her few emails.
1b) see her reaction, wait. If she reacts strongly explain her if that was not really your intention to break into her account. Then if she is ok, you can slowly break this news that you just happen to read some email about boy. Take her into confidence. Show assurance in your words than threatening in tone. Why I am saying threatening because at times one may not directly threaten but the tone of the voice or with attitude you approach other person gives opposite person this feeling. You don 19t get hyper and show that you know her secrets so you can 18USE IT 19 or it 19s a chance etc. these are natural way of reactions when the person is 18caught 19 or exposed. Tell her quietly, its ok if she has some feelings for this guy or have an affair without parents knowledge. Let her first assure her that having a affair or love is ok. You won 19t disclose to anyone in family but please show that real concern you FEEL for her. Then checking her reactions, you slowly ask her how she met, what she feels. Try to get more information about this guy before you react or else your sister can always question you that how you can make statements based on emails etc.
DO NOT jump directly that how you were shocked; you are against this guy or express your negative reaction. If she starts confiding post her initial angry reaction then you might ask her more info what her thoughts or overall feeling about this guy. There are chances that she herself also might be disliking his behavior or hurt at instances but trapped or blinded by this so called love of this guy.
So she might open up if she has already gone through this humiliation of pleading for no fault of hers to this guy. But this is ONLY if you show real concern and show the confidence. If she starts reacting opposite (that is natural), you keep quite. Don 19t react. dont forget this is emotional thing so would take a while to come out for your sister.
2) She seems to be also completely blinded by this boys love? Basic reason such people (her BF) have inborn insecurity, complex and low self esteem. Or they enjoy controlling other person. So anytime its better for your sister to break off with this guy.
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Anolakhi
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| | Monday, October 16, 2006 - 7:05 pm: |
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Thanks manuswini. I am waiting for the right opportunity.
anybody else have any advice?
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Ajay
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| | Tuesday, October 17, 2006 - 4:54 pm: |
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One way to open up somebody is to tell them a real story similar to what is happening. I know it is hard as you wouldn't know the story but a movie perhaps and see if you can see together. If you can find one, while she watches she may realize what is happening in her own life and possibly open up. This way you don't need to tell upfront you saw the email (although at some point you should be honest and let her know you read her email, but by then hopefully she would be more close to you)
I understand this depends on finding right story or movie. But it does not have to be exact same. Any movie where a person is being abused and doesn't tell others may be a good one.
my 2 cents.
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I agree with Ajay.. You need to cook a story ... Just tell your sis, that one of ur frnds is going thru similar situation and u feel that guy is not good for ur friend.. Ask your sister's opinion about it.. dont tell her that u saw her emails.... Just emphasis more on guy trying to control ur so called frnd and can cause many future problems
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Anolkhi, I think you should first of all make her feel comfortable. Kahi hi karun ticha vishwas jinkun ghe. Usually when you are in love and you are having problems you want to confide in some one. I had a similar situation, but I was on the receiving end. Amchya gharat khoopach orthodox watawaran aslya mule mi kunashich kahich bolu shakat nhavte wa mazhi mothi bahin hi khoop kadak hoti. Pan tila tichya wargatlya eka mitrane mazhya baddal sangitle. Mag tine halu halu mazhyashi mazhya level la yeun bolayla surwat keli. Mhanjepahile pahile mala gheun baher jau lagli waigere. Pan tine jawal jawal ek mahina mala shanka hi yeu dili nahi ki tila sarva mahit ahe.
Mag ekda bolta bolta tine mala tichya crushes baddal sangitle especially those crushes that would have created an havoc in our house. Asa karta karta almost did mahina zhalyawar mala pan tichya baddal wishwas watla wa mi tichya madhe confide karu lagle. Wa maag ek diwas mi tila sarva sangitle. tarihi ti mazhyach bajun ne ahe ase sangun tine mala ankhin kahi diwas wel dila wa nantar pratyek weli diplomatically mala patun dile ki he prem prakaran work out hone kiti kathin ahe ani if I go with the flow mhanje arranged marraige kele tar sagle kase chaan hoil he patun dyala surwat keli. Within a matter of 4 months I was out of that guy. Mag tine mala sangitle ki mala sarva mahit hote ani mala tuzhya baddal kalji hoti mhanun mi ase kele....
Sangnyacha mudda mhanje
1. sarva pratham ase wag ki tila tuzhya baddal ekdum confidence ala pahije. You should be the first person to knwo every thing. This will take time and efforts from your side but trust me your sister also wants to confide in you. She be free of guilt if some one in the family knows and offers for help.
2. Then try to tell her what she is worth and how good she is. US madhye ekti aslya mule kiwa kahi karana mule insecurity hote, she is hanging on to this person because she is insecure and lacks self confidence (mazhe speculation bara ka)
3. Then try to convince her to see the negetivity. Start with leting her know how much that guy is restricting her. for eg: Ask her to join with you for some function and then say but what will your BF feel? Just make her realise the amount of rescritions.
4. Then openly talk to her about negetive effects of such relationship. And I guess the rest will follow...
Hope this helps///Rutu
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| मायबोली |
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| चोखंदळ ग्राहक |
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| महाराष्ट्र धर्म वाढवावा |
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| व्यक्तिपासून वल्लीपर्यंत |
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| पांढर्यावरचे काळे |
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| गावातल्या गावात |
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| तंत्रलेल्या मंत्रबनात |
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| आरोह अवरोह |
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| शुभंकरोती कल्याणम् |
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| विखुरलेले मोती |
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