|
Ajjuka
| |
| | Tuesday, August 22, 2006 - 7:11 pm: | 
| 
|
बाई रोहिणी, त्याने आधी का सांगितलं नाहीस हे विचारलं यातच तो मुलगा किती कोत्या मनाचा आहे हे कळल. आणि आईवडिलांना पचणार नाही आणि ते नाही म्हणाले तर मी त्यांच्याविरुद्ध जाणार नाही असा पळपुटा stand घेतलाय. वेळीच सावध हो आणि त्याला धन्यवाद कर एकदाचा. आयुष्यभर उपकाराच्या ओझ्याखाली ठेवेल तो तुला नाहितर. सावध हो वेळीच.
|
Arch
| |
| | Tuesday, August 22, 2006 - 7:35 pm: |
|
|
सगळ्यांची मत जरी काहीही असली तरी त्या मुलाचा " आधी का सांगितल नाही " हा प्रश्ण रास्त आहे. त्याची दोन कारणं असू शकतात.
१. रोहिणीला divorce बद्दल सांगणं महत्वाच वाटल नाही.
२. किंवा divorce बद्दल सांगितल तर मुलगा नाही म्हणू शकतो ही वाटलेली भीति.
लग्न जर love marriage असेल तर प्रश्ण येत नाही. पण जर बघून, जुळवून लग्न करणार असाल तर सगळी cards दाखवणं ही दोघांचीही जबाबदारी आहे. family बद्दल माहिती असणं जरुरी आहे. रोहिणीने हे कुठेही सांगितल नाही की हे लग्न प्रेमात पडून होता होता थांबवल गेल आहे का ते. आणि प्रेमात पडून जर ह्या गोष्टींना मुलगा जर महत्व देत असेल तर हे फ़ारच subjective प्रेम झाल. किंवा त्याला असही वाटत असेल हिने अजूनपर्यंत मला सांगितल नाही त्याचा अर्थ ह्यात काहितरी लपवण्यासारख आहे. आपण उत्तर देताना दोन्ही बाजूंनी विचार केला पाहिजे.
|
Naatyaa
| |
| | Tuesday, August 22, 2006 - 8:54 pm: |
|
|
Many times boy curiously inquired about my sis and her husband. But I avoided. >>>
This may be the reason why the guy must have said.. " आधी का सांगितल नाही ".
|
Bee
| |
| | Wednesday, August 23, 2006 - 3:08 am: |
|
|
रोहिणी, खरच योगी म्हणतो तसे तुम्ही दोघे थोडा वेळ द्या एकमेकांना. तू त्याला आपणहून फ़ोन करू नकोस किंवा भेटायला जाऊ नकोस. बस त्याची वाट बघ काही दिवस. जर त्यानी काही कळविले नाहीतर शेवटी एक formality म्हणून तू त्याला मेल करुन किन्वा जातिने भेटून सांग की ठिक आहे, तुझ्याकडून काही प्रतिसाद मिळत नाही तेंव्हा मी तुझा नकार आहे असे गृहीत धरते. जर तुला काही बोलायचे असेल तर स्पष्टपणे सांग. लग्नासाठी प्रयत्न करते आहे तेंव्हा एकच सांगतो की सध्या तू लिंक मध्ये जर असेल तर अजून प्रयत्न कर. एकदा स्वस्थ बसलो की नंतर पटपट दिवस लोटतात. तेंव्हा थांबू नकोस. नक्की तुला उत्तम वरप्राप्ती होईल. best of luck Rohini!!!!
|
Kiran
| |
| | Wednesday, August 23, 2006 - 3:22 am: |
|
|
people, we are giving opinions based on rohini's narration. She might have missed some of the info.
In my opinion, I have not found anything unnatural or untrustworthy so far with the boy from the information rohini has given.
This must have come to him as an unexpected information and I think he has raised valid points. As she had told, he already tried to ask her about her sister and she avoided, he also would have same concerns about her being trustworthy.
I may sound harsh, but if I put myself in the boy's position, I'll definitely ask many questions to seek details. May not be because I may not trust her, but to understand the gravity of the situation.
Rohini, in my opinion, just let some days pass and observe his reactions. If he is trying to avoid you, better not continue but if he's asking questions, I don't think thats a bad sign. In fact, I would say that's the sign of his willingness to go ahead and fight the future situation as he must be aware that it will be difficult convincing his parents.
however, this's totally my personal opinion. so you can totally ignore this.
|
Rohinip
| |
| | Wednesday, August 23, 2006 - 3:49 am: |
|
|
Here is my background. I request you everybody not to be judgmental. I am looking forward genuine direction. I am thankful to everybody who is helping me.
I met this guy through friend, we liked each other. We both are in US. He proposed me and then we talked with each parents and our parents met in Mumbai. My sister who stays now with my parents in Mumbai met his sis, parents and uncle. during this meeting his uncle asked suspicious questions as well. so I was not confortable. but thought this guy would support me when right time.
Please trust me,
I had no intention to hide. My family and I were kind of cross-questioned and got humiliated whenever we spoke upfront. This same hypocrite knew that they won’t go ahead but asked nasty questions. I learnt a lesson that however people looked or seemed well-cultured, educated but don’t care when it comes to others pain.
I have seen my sister struggling to get custody of her kid for 6 long years. It pained me to hear stupid questions and my heart only felt that nobody can understand until one goes through.
Unfortunately I thought the guy understands me, loves me a lot. I knew that I will marry a guy without hiding this info but only when I know for sure that he would feel the empathy and support me. I never wanted to get humiliated.
Why did I avoid the topic, after my parents met his parents, we found that they believe in ‘samaj’, cast & creed though apparently guy told me that he does not care. I was little nervous. Some issues popped because of the way marriage should take place. My family wanted a short function but this guy including his family thought we are not interested in spending money but real reason that we believed that marriage is only for close relatives. And I wished that this guy would understand when it comes to our marriage. He was very burdened by his father. We started having arguments. I went through panicky that where our relationship would would go, those fights were only because how to celebrate the marriage. Boy was of opinion, why this way, why not this way? etc. Eventually he felt that his family will have separate function. Amidst of all these fights , I was upset where his family believed in ‘show-off’, relatives, what would people say if they don’t celebrate the function in big way of their only son. I was not against but my experience of sister’s marriage, gave me feeling that marriage is importantly for two people minds and ideas meet, how to celebrate should not matter. Anyways, I am very upset and this is the only medium to vent out my feelings.
Arch, I did fear too that he might leave me but genuine reason was that I wanted him to understand so waited for right time. He is not calling me and feels his parents may not be comfortable so he needs time. He is very suspicious that why did I tell him so late. No matter how much ever I cried, swore upon my mom, this guy looked at me suspiciously.
I dont know now, I feel very sad.
|
Rohini, its matter of ur entire life and if u feel so uncomfortable right now before marriage, whats the point thinking about your future life with him ??
I know i sound harsh but I have seen people going against family and then getting hurt
I sincerely wish the best for you and thats why writing this message..
|
Meggi
| |
| | Friday, August 25, 2006 - 7:58 am: |
|
|
रोहिणी, गोष्ट लपवुन ठेवली की लोकांच्या लेखी त्याचं महत्त्व अजुन वाढतं. आपल्या बाजुने सगळं संगुन मोकळं व्ह्ययचं.. लोकांना काय ठरवायच.. काय निष्कर्ष काढायचा तो काढु दे.
हे सर्व आधी सांगितलस तर लोक अपमान करतात असं तू आधीच्या पोस्ट मध्ये म्हणालीस. हे बघ.. तु खरं सांगायचस. पण कोणी अपमानास्पद बोलायला लागलं कि स्पष्ट शब्दात समज द्यायची. ज्यात तुझी किंवा तुझ्या बहिणीची चुक नाही त्यासाठी तुला लोकांनी काही बोलणं ही त्यांची चुक.. ती तु अजिबात खपवुन घ्यायची नाहीस. पण तु त्याना सत्यपरीस्थितीची कल्पना न देणं किंवा उशिरा देणं ही मात्र तुझी चुक. आणि त्यावर त्यांनी कसं react करयचं ते आपल्या हातात नाही.
तू त्या मुलाला थोडा वेळ दे. त्याने तर स्वतः तुला approach केला तर ठिक आहे, नाही केलास तर एखादी मेल पाठव. पण तू त्या मुला पुढे अगतिक होऊन, तुला त्याची किती गरज आहे, किति प्रेम आहे ह शपथ वगैरे घेउन सांगायचि गरज नाही.
|
Amanjot
| |
| | Saturday, August 26, 2006 - 9:38 am: |
|
|
रोहिनि
तुला माहित आहे न "समजा आपन रस्त्यात पडलो तर दुख याचे नसत कि लागल... ते नन्तर... पन आधि मानुस आजुबाजुला बघतो.. कि कोनि पाहिले तर नाहि.."म्हणजे आपल्याला आपल्यापेक्शा लोकान्चि कालजि असते.. कोन काय म्हणेल
कदाचित त्या मुलाचा विचर तसा असेल... त्याल तुझि बहिन आइ बाबाकडे रहते म्हनुन कहि प्रोब्लेम नसेल पण नन्तर तुला प्रश्न विचारुन त्रास होउ शकतो तो त्याच्या घरच्यान्कडुन...
म्हणुन त्याने सान्गितले कि माझ्या आइ वडिलाना प्रोब्लेम नसेल तर मि लग्नाल तयार अहे.... नन्तर कोणि नातलगानि प्रश्न विचरले तर तेच उत्तर देतिल...
दुसरे म्हनजे त्यालाच जर पसन्त नसेल तर तो खुपच असमन्जस आहे असे म्हनावे लागेल पण तुला वाइट वाटायला नको म्हनुन सरल नाहि म्हणण्यापेक्शा त्यने आइ वडिलान्चे नाव पुढे केल अहे...
त्याल थोडा वेळ दे... ओढुन ताणुण लग्न करन्यात काहि सुख नाहि ग... थोदा वेळ थाम्ब...
|
Rohinip
| |
| | Wednesday, August 30, 2006 - 4:28 am: |
|
|
I read everybody’s post. I was little depressed. After this boy’s reaction, I felt terrible. Is it so bad if somebody has been divorced??
All the time he fought saying something like this below,
you have put me in trouble.
it is your mistake that you did not tell me in first place.
if tomorrow my parents don’t get convinced then we cant go ahead and you are only responsible for our break-up. Don’t hold me responsible or blame that I did not marry you.
I have to convince my parents.
Why did you hide it from me?
If I had been divorced, I would have told upfront. And for this line of his, I broke into tears and said, you really don’t understand the pain of this. You really wont understand seeing your own sister being humiliated or been treated badly.
All I know at my heart, that my family was/is 'nirdosh'. With all honestly, I know what we as family went through agonies of all these years of proceedings of divorce. This boy won’t understand what we went when we were upfront. I told him the same reason but he just questioned that why I hid it for 4 months when we were saying that we like each other. The only answer was his family and my family had difference of opinions in the first meetings only on the issue of how to celebrate marriage. His father is of old thinking that he believes in 'maan-paman', son's fathers etc.
I was little taken back but I felt this guy is loving and caring and might understand so I went ahead and thought I would tell him when right time comes, our fights and misunderstandings between family is settled.
This boy also claimed all the time that he loves me a lot.
And there he says that I should have told him.
But trust me, I was under fear that my parents would be questioned or humiliated.
Some how this fear has set in my mind after so many such incidences where my parents and sister was questioned unnecessary and humiliated.
Instead of understanding her pain, her divorce was a topic of people in social gatherings. I feel still pain if I have to tell somebody that my sister is divorced.
I told this boy; please don’t say bad words that it is my parent’s mistake that they also did not tell his parents.
In fact it was my decision and told my parents that if I choose a guy, I would inform him when I know 'he is the one' and feels he understands.
But I see, this boy is more adamant on issue 'why it was not told before?" than feeling bad of divorce looks like.
No reasoning is helping.
even though I did not call him after the incidences’ ,he calls up and picks up fight that I made the mistake, my parents made the mistake and I am THE responsible for breaking this relationship if his parents don’t get convinced.
he also went ahead in anger and said, all family is not like your family, your family must have hidden because I might have said 'no' so they quietly wanted to get their this daughter married off.
After listening to his these words, I felt so painful and really felt, I wish this guy understands what he is talking and how painful statement he is making.
Somehow my attachment with this guy is much that I also feel painful of leaving this guy in spite of his remarks and statements.
I told him, it’s your judgment and your family’s understanding.
he says, his family cant trust my family again.
Please tell me what should I do?
This guy still keeps calling even though I am willing to give him time and decide what to convey to his parents. This guy projects to me now that my family has ‘kalank’ and some done crime and he is marrying me only because he loves me or he might marry or convince his parents only because he loves me
or else
he is not so keen to marry a family where things are hidden.
God , only knows what pain I go through when he makes such remarks about my family.
Trust me people, my family had no intention to cheat or hide this news. I had also no intention to hide. The only reason I stated was/is I was waiting for the right time.
this guy says , I also told him , I loved him then why didn’t I trust him ?
what if his parents outlook is that because our son loved you so we allow him to marry then what should I do?(as guy says his parents wont be really happy but might do knowing that he loves me, I fear that they make me burdened by this favor. I also fear that they might taunt my family.
)
Please help me
I am very disturbed.
if anybody can genuinely guide me or tell me how to cope ,would be glad.
I cant even share this with my parents os my sister as she might feel painful.
Another factor is my age, I am 33 and I feel in spite of claiming that this guy loves me, he didn’t understand my situation, what if I reject him for his insults or beatings after breaking the news, who will marry me?
Aren’t their good people around?
Should I really compromise and convince this guy even after he talks or remarks this way looking at my age?
Do you people feel that if I go ahead, I will be happy?
Do you think such relationship will work where his parents are not happy for something and he also gets disturbed for his parents?
How can I forget this boy and his memories?
All these years, my whole family was under trauma that my marriage got delayed and later people just were not happy to accept my sisters divorce. In spite of being educated and social these people judged us wrong so I fear what if I loose this guy again, so I better compromise?? Should I?
One way, I feel this guy is saying all this out of anger
so should I forgive him?
thanks
Rohini
|
Amanjot
| |
| | Wednesday, August 30, 2006 - 10:12 am: |
|
|
Dear Rohini...
I would give u my true opinion... though little harsh ... its my true opinion... given from my heart.... If I would be in your place... I would have done this...
after reading your letter I feeL you fear for:
1) what if he does not marry me?
2) who else will marry me after this incidence
3) What if your marriage is still delayed even after 33 years of age..
From ur narration, I feel that u have become emotional due to ur family's difficult period... and the guy u love is narrow minded .. and truly speeking I doubt whether in future even in ur married life whether he would be able to understand u... or not...
After looking at ur current state of mind I feel that U need to be handled very carefully for some period... and I truly feel that this guy will not be able to do the same....
I know u love him a lot... but dear there is a long time to live... and living with the person who is not at all able to understand u for a single minute would be very difficult.... and I m afraid to say that day would be nearby that u would apply for a divorce like ur sister....
I m very sorry dear... I m too straight forward... but I don't want u to be in problem in future...
Its right time to quit... rather than get hurted and then think of quitting...
pl do not misunderstand... i m suggesting because I can understand the situation u and ur family are going through...
|
Manaswii
| |
| | Wednesday, August 30, 2006 - 6:53 pm: |
|
|
रोहिणी, अगं तू एवढि शिकलेली, छान नोकरी कर्णारि independent मुलगी आहेस. आणि का स्व:ताला इतकं लाचार केल आहेस??
तुझ्या बहिणीच्या divorce कडे बघण्याचा तुझा आणि तुझ्या घरच्यांचा द्रुष्टिकोन सगळ्यात आधी बदलला पाहिजे असे मला वाटते. मान्य आहे अजुन आपला समाज म्हणावा तितका सुधारला नाही ह्या बाबतीत, पण जितके आपण घाबरुन,दबुन राहु तेवढे लोक जास्त त्रास देतात. आधी बहिणीची reality तू मान्य कर आणि समाधान मान कि ती आज सासरी त्रास सहन करत नहिये,तर तुमच्या बरोबर आहे. पुढे तिचेहि चांगले होईल. आणि तिच्याबद्द्ल लोकांशी बोलताना guilty concious ठेवु नकोस.
and about this guy, i dont think तो तुझ्या लायक आहे.तुम्हि त्याला फ़सवले,हा त्याच समज दुर होणे अवघड आहे.. लग्नाच्या आधिच एवढे compromise करण्यात काय अर्थ आहे? आणि तेहि स्वता:च्या self esteem चा. आणि तुला कोणि चांगला मुलगा मिळणार नाही म्हणुन फ़क्त जर तू त्याच्याशी लग्न करणार असशील तर तुच विचार कर ह्या लग्नाला काय अर्थ आहे, आणि कोणी सांगावे ह्याची परिणती लग्न मोडण्यात होणार नाही. sorry for being so harsh. पण तू काहिच कारण नसताना इतकि लाचार होते आहेस.
|
Rohinip
| |
| | Thursday, August 31, 2006 - 6:34 am: |
|
|
i understand manawsvii but I am emotionally so much stressed out and been attached so its taking time I guess.
All I felt it’s his frustration and his love for his parents causing this behavior.
He just keeps fighting all the time that why I didn’t tell him when we both were very much deciding to go ahead.
I explained him many times that though we were planning to go ahead but I wanted to know his family background and overall thinking before I breaks this news. Another more painful reason that I had fear what if this guy also think in the way other guys thought and I guess eventually he also thought the same way.And also i wanted to know if this is "THE" guy. Within one month of intro, we expressed liking of reach other but after that one month we informed to our parents that we like each other and there itself all issues between parents got started. His family is little orthodox in thinking that they believe in caste, creed, samaj, the way marriage should be celebrated, how much "maan" given to boys family. All this ego issues, our parent’s communication turned bitter. so I was nervous as I knew that boy is the only son and has solid attachment towards his family(expected though) but also realized in the process that boy is inclined to some orthodox views too like his father. Though he said he is social. So we started having arguments, eventually he said he has to listen to his father for few things as he is only son but basically he does not believe in certain thinking or customs.
He cant change his fathers thinking at this age. So once we are married and would be staying in USA, there are less chances that you have to follow all these. I trusted his words but had fear how his family would react to the news about my sister if his father is of orthodox thinking. All the time i kept fighting with my mind but I was so much emotionally attached that I could not break up with this guy for this reason. i thought i would adjust but before i go ahead I would surely tell this guy and if he loves me then he can take care of explaining to his father who is more adamant and orthodox.
But now guy only says why would he break his parent’s heart? Because he says, his family would have this normal query that why was this news hidden?
Was it hidden intentionally to get me married off?
What if tomorrow I also divorce him and spread some rumors that guy was not good?
I was basically hurt and felt miserable that is this parents thinking? if my sister is divorced then even I can walk of my marriage so easily?
he says he fears that one divorce is already in my family so tomorrow I also wont care to divorce him.
I felt very painful that in spite of explaining to him about my sister consequences for divorce, this guy talks this way. my sister was clearly cheated.
I don’t know now.
After reading all your posts, I feel now this guy really did not understand or felt empathy of my pain.
He could talk so many things like this because he has not understood how it feels being divorced.
But somehow I am not able to accept this fact that we might break up if his parents say NO.
I am confused and don’t know if i should keep any hope and wait till talks with his parents.
I am very depressed to even think that my marriage is again breaking up because of people’s outlook towards divorce.
However my sister is innocent, most of the guy were so hypocrites that they asked nasty questions and raised eyebrows as if divorce is 'kalima' to the family.
I wish this guy one day realizes how much he hurt me by his talks.
thanks to all
|
Storvi
| |
| | Thursday, August 31, 2006 - 4:58 pm: |
|
|
>>He cant change his fathers thinking at this age. So once we are married and would be staying in USA, there are less chances that you have to follow all these.>> seriously, how naive can you be? कन्ये ह्या माणसाचा नाद सोडुन द्यावास हे उत्तम.. he does not deserve you
|
Manuswini
| |
| | Thursday, August 31, 2006 - 6:10 pm: |
|
|
मला तर हे कळतच नाही की ईतके लाचार का व्हावे.
i know its not right time to tell you, why, what
पण तुला सांगते जुन्या विचारसरणीचा पगडा हा फक्त वडिलापुरत मर्यदीत नसेल तर तु काय करणार. भले इथे तो रहतोय म्हणुन उद्या तुला घरातील लोकांबरोबर तो कसा वगवेल?
किंवा त्याची घरातील लोक तुझ्या घरच्यांन कोणत्या दृस्टीने बघतील जर divorcE म्हणजे त्यांन एवढे काहीतरी अगम्य वाटते असेल तर?
विचार कर.
सुरवातीचे दिवस ठिक वाटेल नंतर रोज रोज Arguments होवु शकतात एखाद्या view point वर......
तो जर एवढा अक्कल्शुन्य असेल आणी हेच दाखवत असेल की वडिलांचे विचार बदलु शकत नाही तर महामुर्ख आहे तो.
मोठ्यांचा आदर करणे वेगळी गोष्ट पण जुन्य, बुरसट thinking ना promote करणे म्हणजे भाग्य समज तुझे
|
Manaswii
| |
| | Thursday, August 31, 2006 - 6:58 pm: |
|
|
घरच्या विचारसरणीचा पगडा हा असतोच. आणि त्याच्या reaction वरुन तरि तो स्पष्ट दिसुन येतो आहे. तू जरि त्याल आधी न सांगायची मोठि चुक केली असलीस तरी तो उदार मनाने आई-वडिलांना समजावुन,तुला माफ़ करुन तुझ्याशी लग्न करायचे उपकार करणार आहे,असेच काहिसे त्याचे म्हणणे आहे. उद्या आयुष्यभर तू ह्या उपकारच्या ओझ्याखाली दबुन रहावेस असेही तो म्हणेल.
डोळे उघड. ज़ी काहि emotional involment झाली असेल,ती काहि काळाने कमी होते. त्यासाठि आयुष्य पणाला लावायची गरज नाही.
|
Manuswini
| |
| | Thursday, August 31, 2006 - 9:27 pm: |
|
|
आधी न सांगण्यामधी एवढी काय मोठी चुक आहे ग मनस्वी??
आपण असे लिहुन रोहिणीला आणखी पश्चाताप करायला भाग पाडाल
प्रेम करतो ना तो मुलगा म आधी काय आणी नंतर काय?
त्याला जर तिच्या आधी न सागितलेल्या reason वर विश्वास नसेल तरच हे प्रश्ण उठतात ती comfortable न्हवती हे sharE करण्यात ह्याची कारणे कळली नसतील, त्याला genuinly feel झाली नसेल म्हणुन एवढा mole out of moutain करतोय sorry for being harsh
काय लोक असतात एकेक ढोंगी
हिम्मत नसेल तर प्रेम करतात कशाला......
त्याला म्हणवं रोहिणी वडीलांने पसंत केलेल्या एखाद्या गावठी मुलीशी लग्न कर. तु उगाच आपले आयुष्या बरबाद करु नकोस.
|
Arch
| |
| | Thursday, August 31, 2006 - 9:38 pm: |
|
|
mole out of moutain करतोय>>
मनु, mountain out of molehill म्हणायच आहे का तुला? 
|
Manuswini
| |
| | Thursday, August 31, 2006 - 9:42 pm: |
|
|
LOL आर्च हो तेच ते गं..
अग अशी काही अजुन विचित्र लोक आहेत बघितले की ना डोकं खवळते. मला तर कनफटात माराविशी वाटते :-)
मी इथे 'त्या' मुलाबद्दल बोलतेय.
sorry rohini
|
Manaswii
| |
| | Thursday, August 31, 2006 - 10:36 pm: |
|
|
मनु, नीट वाच गं बाई.
हा असा त्याचा view point आहे असे लिहिले आहे मी.
|
|
| मायबोली |
|
| चोखंदळ ग्राहक |
|
| महाराष्ट्र धर्म वाढवावा |
|
| व्यक्तिपासून वल्लीपर्यंत |
|
| पांढर्‍यावरचे काळे |
|
| गावातल्या गावात |
|
| तंत्रलेल्या मंत्रबनात |
|
| आरोह अवरोह |
|
| शुभंकरोती कल्याणम् |
|
| विखुरलेले मोती |
|
|
|
|